Mystery

I am finally feeling like myself after about two weeks.

I developed some kind of mystery virus after we got home from Ghana.  Not sure if I acquired it while overseas, in transit, or once we got home, but it was not fun.  After sleeping like a rock (which is uncharacteristic for me) for 8+ hours each night, I would crash hard in about 3 hours.  I could hardly muster the energy to entertain my children until naptime when I had to take a nap myself. Body aches and low-grade fever also accompanied this extreme fatigue.  So, after about a week and a half of this while getting worse almost every day, my sweet husband stopped begging and just insisted that I go to the doctor.  He's a good one.  All of my blood work came back just fine--no thyroid issue, no infection, no mono.  All great things not to have.  However, I still felt crummy.  Virus it is.  My doctor gave me a steroid pack, and I was lovingly forced to rest for two straight days.  I do not do that well.  At all.  

I pride myself in taking care of others well.  I work hard at taking good care of my home, my children, my husband, my family.  But myself?  Not so good.

However, after resting and feeling so much better for the first time since we got home from Ghana, I realized a few things about myself.

One is that I need to take care of myself, period.  If I'm not functioning well, I'm not really doing a good job at my job--being a wife, momma, and Jesus follower.  I'm not just talking about physical well-being, although I am trying to resolve to be better at that too, but spiritual and emotional well-being.  I need time to be still.  I need to create spaces in my days that I allow the Lord to fill. Those things are just as important as fun projects and outings with my kids and making healthy, delicious dinners for my family.  So, I am trying to do better.  One day at a time.

The other thing I remembered about myself during this time is that I don't handle mystery well.  I really didn't like not having a name and specific solution to my illness.  Don't get me wrong, virus was probably the best of all of my options, but I don't like the unknown.  How long will I feel bad?  When should I expect to feel better? No course of action that is assured to bring relief.  That is hard for me.

But, it's not just in sickness but in life that I struggle with this concept.  I like certainty. I like to have control.  The Lord is slowly and graciously ripping off the bandaid.  It is slightly painful, but I am certain of one thing: the more control I release to Him, the more peaceful I feel.  It's pretty amazing.

So, today, I am thankful to be feeling like myself with energy to enjoy my children on this cool, rainy day.  I am thankful for the mystery in my life and trying to embrace my lack of control.